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| I'm really getting tired of this. I'm wasting her time. I'm this. I'm that. I know that anyone who reads this blog might have felt bad for me at one point. Or thought that I theres someway I could fix this relationship. I'm sure anyone who reads this still thinks I should just ditch her, or that its my fault that I am still getting pooped on. I'm just tired of being a good boyfriend and getting treated like crap. I've read girls blogs on Xanga. I've talked to my friends (girls) for years. I know I'm not perfect but I think I have a good idea of how to be a good boyfriend. It's about listening. It's about trying. It's about being romantic. It's about surprises. It's about being there when she needs you. It's about spending time with her, or choosing to spend time with her when you could be doing something else. It's about being stable and unwavering in your loyalty and dedication. It's about showing her how you feel about her.
I learned over the years that in order to be a good boyfriend I had to MAKE myself be a certain way. I learned that I had to plan to do romantic things even though I didn't feel like it. I learned to schedule surprises and things like that. I took the spark out of being a good boyfriend. I always started out a great boyfriend and then kinda became a good boyfriend and then just sorta a guy thats just there. I learned/figured out later that I had to schedule/plan those things because I wasn't really in Love with those girls. I MADE myself be a guy that I wasn't really comfortable being, or just really wasn't in that relationship. IN THIS RELATIONSHIP I am absolutely the guy that does stuff spontaneously. I'm the guy that sends flowers all the time, or whatever. I'm not writing this to brag or anything of the sort. I am actually writing this to bitch, sort of.
I don't get how I am being this guy that I have ALWAYS tried to be in past relationships. I'm BEING this guy that I and my friends think is perfect in the relationship (as far as being there, being stable, being romantic/loving/caring, being there for her when she needs me) and this girl still manages to make me feel like maybe I'm really not good enough. I can deal with her making me feel that way, but when I called to try to fix it she tells me I'm wasting her time and that she has more important things to do. I told her she makes me feel like I'm not good enough sometimes. She fussed at me and went off the deep end. I just don't understand.
Don't get me wrong. I understand why a girl would be upset if a guy says "you're too good for me" during a fight. I totally understand how that would make a girl feel, however, the flip side of that is this: When she says that I'm too good for her, I have ALWAYS told her that wasn't true. Argument or not. I am always, always, always in her corner. I am always going to tell her I love her and think she is amazing. I am always going to tell her I think shes great, even if I just told her that she wants to believe I'm trying to hurt her (which I did).
I tell her those things because they are true, and because I don't want her to ever think that I have anything but good feelings towards her. I don't have anything but good feelings towards her. I don't think I have ever been the one to start a fight, not on purpose anyway. I have never said, "you know what?! screw you" and left or "i hate you" or anything like that. I don't get how I can be "perfect" or at least a "good" boyfriend in the eyes of my ex-girlfriends, my friends, my parents, her parents, etc. and I still cause her to get mad at me.
I hate to say it, and I am probably actually in denial, but we maybe just aren't meant for each other. Maybe thats why. Maybe she already feels that way and so no matter how hard we try to force it we won't be right for each other. I remember when we first started dating, she thought I was soooooo great. We both knew the first night that we liked each other a lot. We were joined at the hip from that point til the day I flew back from her school. We got into fights but they were nothing major and we always dealt with them and the next day everything was always fine.
I remember the first time she ever broke up with me. She got plastered drunk in MD and almost hit a guy with a pool stick. I decided it was time to leave. I asked her friends to get her (she was mad at me) and I would take care of smoothing over stuff at the bar. Her friends got her outside and I came out shortly after. I was the only one not drunk. I walked them all back to my gf's SUV and we got in. Her friends decided they were ok enough to walk home (5 minutes from the girls house) and after a quick look-over mini sobriety test I decided that they were probably ok to make it home without us. I started the long drive back to VA ( I was actually supposed to be sleeping and my gf was supposed to be driving because I had been up over 24 hrs blah blah blah, the usual if you read my blog). While we were in the car she went from telling me how I was a great boyfriend to telling me she hated me to opening the car door while we were doing 70mph on the interstate. I reached across the car grabbed her by her waist and pulled her back into the car. I pulled off of the road and raised my voice the first time I had ever raised my voice at her. I felt terrible but I couldn't have her hurting herself. I drove about another hour holding down her seatbelt in the slot so that she couldn't undo it again (cause she tried). She finally fell asleep and I drove the rest of the way home almost blacking out every 5 minutes or so. I finally pulled into her driveway and I carried her out of the car up to her door. I got the door open and carried her upstairs. I put her in her bed and I asked could I sleep downstairs because I was very tired and I was worried about driving home. She said yes. A couple minutes later she came to where I was sleeping and laid down next to me. That was the only really nasty fight we ever had. I blame it largely on the alcohol but the point is before she sobered up, before she got over being mad, before anything changed; she still wanted to be with me. She still wanted to fix things or to show me that she cared about me and cared for me and cared that I just saved her life, drove home, and protected her and did it all on no sleep in the past 36-48 hours.
Sadly, I don't see that anymore from her. I see the opposite. She wants to run. She wants to believe I'm some guy that wants to hurt her. She wants to say hurtful things and do damage more than she wants to just forgive me. Things that I used to do as a joke to get under her skin (like saying "nevermind" and then explaining jokingly what I was gunna say) are now reason for her to not talk to me and be hurt. As if I said something to piss her off on purpose.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND... please if anyone out there can help. Can someone who read this and thinks I'm a jerk respond? I just want someones opinion that thinks I'm wrong. I'm not trying to argue I will gladly accept any advice you have. I want to know why the love of my life thinks I'm trying to hurt her or being a bad boyfriend. | | |
| We got back together. We talked about our problems (the one that we have) and everything was better. Perfect. AGAIN. For a week. I won't bore you with the details like I normally do but suffice it to say, I don't think I fucked up. She was joking around about finding a new guy (a handsome tenor) and I always give her shit about it (jokingly). To be honest, I didn't really care about that it just reminded me of the fact that she IS currently doing a couple scenes for a class where she is the love interest of this other guy. Again, not a big deal. I was only going to ask if they had had any love scenes (the kind where they kiss or whatever, because yes, because that junk bothers me but I can deal with it). After saying "hey babe, I know its a stupid question..." I stopped mid-sentence and said "Nevermind". I had a happy tone and everything. I didn't ask because I trust her. I thought about it for a second and realized she would have told me so I just stopped. She didn't say anything but I could tell she was upset. She finished getting ready for school and said "I have to go now babe. Bye" and closed Skype. Maybe I was wrong, but I called her (one of the things we decided when we were talking through stuff last time we broke up was that we needed to deal with our problems, no matter how big or how small as SOON as we possibly could). She answered and I just asked if she was upset at me. She said she was but only because I said "nevermind". She explained to me again (ill give it to her, she has told me that before) how much she hates it and etc. I said "Ok, you're right. I'm sorry". She sorta bitched a little bit about how she has this whole day in front of her and we just had to get into a fight first thing (honestly, didn't think this shoulda been or even WAS a fight but, if thats how you feel... ok). We just left it at that. I texted her that I was sorry I ruined her whole day and that I love her. She texts back "I told you people don't change". Now, I'm not really sure WHO she was referring to with that but I let it go. I know its a little childish but she makes me feel this way sometimes so I texted back "You're right. I'm sorry. I have always thought you deserved better than me" (in that moment and still some right now, I feel that way). She says "ok here we go again. You're scaring me" (which is think is bull cause she just screamed at me for saying "Nevermind". If anyone should be afraid to propose it should be me right??). Anyway, I apologized and told her I was getting in the shower and that I loved her. She says "You are right. I need to move on don't I?". I was hurt. It took the wind out of my sails and for just a second I wanted to respond. I got in the shower. I figured that if I was still as hurt when I got out of the shower I would say what I wanted to say when I first read it.
When I got out of the shower I looked at my phone and she hadn't texted back. I wrote this:
" :( I called you because I knew you were upset. We said we were gunna try to work through stuff instead of just waiting for it to go away. I'm sorry I said nvm. I love you and I really hope you don't move on. Sorry it took me so long to respond I was in the shower"
Her:
"It's ok, I just thought you said I deserve better as if you gave up on us. It's alright. I should get used to feeling this way but you make me doubt continuously about this relationship when we are going through tough moments."
Me:
"I NEVER gave up on us. I never will. We can talk about it later when you have time babe. I hope your class goes well. I love you.
Now, it sorta seems like we got things worked out a little, but she (to me anyway) revealed some things. What do I do that makes her feel uncertain? I say things like "you deserve better"? I mean is that it? I know thats childish but is that reason for her to doubt? The only reason I say that is because I feel that way sometimes when she fusses at me for stupid shit (which btw, if you've noticed, is all we ever fight about) and she knows it.
Anyway, I wrote this whole thing down (even though I said I wouldn't :P) to ask one question. If you have read my past posts you know that she is always telling me I need to get over stuff (get over her having to kiss a guy during a performance, get over her past, etc.) and I have been happy to get over those things, or at least try very hard to. To be honest, shes made it easy because she has always been so honest with me. ANYWAY, my question is this; Is it fair for her to ask me to get over things that may or may not be major to me, but not ok for me to suggest she get over me saying "Nevermind"?
I feel like asking that is not too much to ask. I really want this relationship to work. We have SOOOO many good days, and our good days are damn near perfect. I just don't like how we deal with issues. At any rate, I would be happy to know what you guys think (about anything I've written that you've read but specifically about the question). | | |
| I don't know what is going to happen with my life right now. I am about 10 minutes away from getting to go to work. Haven't heard from my apparently now ex girlfriend all day. As a matter of fact, she has been ignoring my calls and texts altogether. I really don't feel like doing anything. The only thing I have eaten all day (and I've been awake) is a small packet of fruit snacks and a glass of water. I just don't have an appetite. I sang her the very first song I ever sang her (or anybody for that matter) and posted it to her facebook. She hasn't taken it down yet. Then again, who's to say shes not out with friends and taking it down will be the first thing she does. I posted something she wrote me to her facebook earlier today and she took it off almost immediately and erased her relationship status. I just don't get it. I have tried so hard to be a good boyfriend (I don't want to beat a dead horse, so if you have doubts go back and read the other blogs) and I just can't break even. I love this girl. She is my world. I just don't understand what's happening. The whole reason she got mad this morning is because I said "I guess thats just me" when she didn't say she wanted me there. Ok, I can admit thats sorta childish and on the insecure side, but breaking up with me over it?! And she said that me saying what I said wasn't the actual reason. It's because I just always want her to act like everything is fine when its not. NOT TRUE. I am the one that likes to stay and talk about stuff and fix it. SHE likes to disappear until shes over something and then come back and be fine. I never asked her to do that. I have always wanted to talk about ANY problem, no matter how stupid or goofy or whatever. If it doesn't get talked about and worked out then how is it supposed to get fixed??
The sad thing (I guess) is that if she called me back right now and said she wanted to be with me; I would take her back. Without hesitation. I am clinging to the fact that she left up all the pictures she has of us along with the cute sayings underneath like "You're the best boyfriend ever", etc. She left up a couple of other things that are sorta... personal between us and no one would mistake them as not being that way. Basically, the only thing she did take down is the relationship status. I wish I could make her happy, or understand her. Thats what she keeps saying the problem is; that I don't understand her. I wish I could be in her head for a day. Maybe we could just trade places. She could see how much I love her and how I NEVER want to hurt her or make her feel back. How I always want the opposite. And maybe while I was in her head I could see how much she loves me and wants me around. I could figure out exactly what to say and what not to say and when to say it, or not. I could figure out how to make it possible for her to be with me. I know it's probably not healthy to think this way but I really don't care. I want to be with her. Enough that if I could, I would absolutely change EVERYTHING about myself if it made her happy (I know I don't need to change EVERYTHING about myself, just some things that evidently are causing huge problems).
However this plays out, I will never love anyone else again. I can't. I know its the same old tune from when I first started posting here 5 years ago but I absolutely am certain that I will never love anyone else again. I have actually experienced loving someone else with all my heart and soul and every bit of who I am. I can't feel that again. I wouldn't want to. I was able to give it all one time, I would be too afraid to even try again. So I guess for my sanity and maybe even my chance at ever being happy again (let alone that I love this girl... obvious); I really hope we can work things out, or that she wakes up tomorrow and realizes breaking up is not the answer, or that she needs me as much as I need her. At any rate... I love you Yunjin Kim. | | |
| I am sooooo fucking tired of getting blamed for doing shit that is "childish" or inconsiderate. Last night she finally decided to talk to me around 11 o'clock at night. We went to bed together (via Skype) and for a moment everything was ok. I know it might not mean much to most people but when all you have to cling onto is that someone says they love you/ miss you/ want you around, it means a hell of a lot. That being said, I noticed that she wouldn't say she wanted me around. No problems saying that she loved me, no problems saying that she missed me. When I said that I wished I was there though, I got this confused/ pained look back and strange silence, then she just changed the subject. So I gave it some time. Maybe something else caused that face/response. The next time I brought it up I actually said "I wish I was there babe... You want me there right?" And again I got silence and then a subject change. I just let it go. Maybe she was half asleep or something. Enter this morning. She tells me she loves me and wants to be my wife one day. I smiled like an idiot :D. I tell her I will be her husband one day. An hour or so goes by and she wakes up fully and starts to get ready for school. I tell her I love her and miss her... she replies "I love you and miss you too baby :D" I tell her I wish I was there... silence. I couldn't help it. It wasn't designed to hurt her but I guess I just wanted her to know I was hurt. I said "I guess thats just me though". She comes back. "Why would you say that? To hurt me?"
Nvm... this whole blog just became pointless. She just called and broke up with me. | | |
| I am the one who loves. I love this girl. Ever since my last post life with her has been perfect. Nothing but two minor 10min type arguments that were never even really arguments. I bought a ring. I intended to ask this girl to marry me. I booked a flight. I took off time from work.
Yesterday, while in Walmart we were talking during a homework break she was taking. She mentioned something about a card she sent me late last week. I told her I remembered her telling me she sent the card but I had been so tired ( I have been sick for over a week) and sick lately that I hadn't even checked the mailbox to be honest. I apologized immediately. There was a silence on the other end of the phone. The famed pregnant pause. The one where you know you're in deep shit. I waited for her to break the silence. "You know what?" she asked "you don't deserve it. I'm just going to start writing letters to Tom, and Josh now". Tom and Josh are two of her school friends. Incidentally, I have been a little jealous of both of them (and she knows it) at separate times because 1) Josh is "her type" ( I am not, body/looks wise) and 2) Tom "makes her feel like she can be herself" (something she has told me in the past I made her feel she COULDN'T be). I took it in stride, knowing that she was hurt and she was just saying those things as a defense mechanism. "Baby" I said in my most sympathetic voice "I'm sorry sweetheart. You know I care about the card. I've just been tired cause work has had me working over and I've been sick the whole time too. I really didn't even think the card would have arrived by now. I'm sorry babe". You could almost hear the " :( " in my tone. I just wanted her to say it was ok and it wasn't that big of a deal. I wanted her to say she knew I had been tired, and that it probably wasn't there yet, "no biggie". Instead, she said "Its not that big of a deal, I guess I just expect too much from you... I'm just gunna go". She then hung up the phone. I'm standing in Walmart thinking "what the hell did I just do?". I immediately called her back to apologize or try to make everything ok. She ignored my call. So I sent her a text; "I'm sorry baby :( whenever you want to come back to me I'll be here. I just want to talk to you :( ". I didn't hear from her til almost 9 o'clock at night. I figured she must have been doing homework. I mean, she usually has homework all day so I figured today was the same. We talked for probably 5 minutes and she got mad that I didn't understand she was mad because of the text message not the card thing. I said "babe, I didn't mean anything by it you know that". She launches into a rant about how inconsiderate I am and how I don't care enough about not hurting her feelings. I take it all in and just tell her how much I love her and I'm sorry that I hurt her feelings I never ever mean to. She says "if you kill someone on accident, aren't you still a murderer?" She tells me she has doubts about our relationship. WHAT?! I spill the beans... In retrospect, that was probably not the time to tell her. I just couldn't stand it anymore. I fucking try everyday to be a great boyfriend. I work my ass off to make her happy. After all the fighting last night we got on Skype and went to sleep together and I told her how much I love her and how much I want to be with her even though I was balling my eyes out and had trouble even talking in a straight voice. I did it because I always tell her how much I love her when we go to bed together. She says my voice helps her go to sleep. She says it soothes her and I can't think of anything I'd rather tell her every night than how much I love her. I usually tell her whats going on inside me and how I feel after she has gone to sleep ( I know it sounds weird but I feel like its the only time I can be completely honest with her). I told her how much I loved her. Enough that no matter how broken I was when she told me that she had doubts, I still wanted to tell her I love her and talk so that she could go to sleep peacefully. I told her that my heart was broken. We wake up this morning. Everything seems ok at first. She tells me she loves me in that half asleep voice while shes half-rolling around in the sheets. You know... the I'm too asleep to be lying thing. We spend some time just staring at each other, and saying "I love you", "I'm sorry we had a bad night", etc. She gets up and starts to get ready for class. I get up and start playing Halo Reach. In all truthfulness, I do have a lot of things to do today. I was really just playing til she left for class. Anyway, she comes back to the computer and says "How come you're up so early?"
"I have some stuff I gotta get done today babe" me
and then she walks away from the computer back to cooking breakfast. She grabs the laptop off of her bed and then takes it over to the kitchen table where she is now eating breakfast. I stop playing the game and talk to her. I can tell something is wrong. I ask. She tells me that she feels like there is distance between us. I said "baby, I'm not distant. I've always been right her with you". She says "fine, you're blaming on me again" and launches into the old familiar "it's all my fault, right?" routine where just because I finally refuse to take blame for something I DIDN'T do anyway, then I MUST BE blaming it on her. I said "sweetheart, it's not about that. I'm not trying to blame anybody. I just want to talk to my baby. I love you". She tells me that I hurt her too much. And she says "WE keep trying to push each other away". Now hold on just one fucking second. I just can't let that one slide by. Theres a lot of senseless asswhooping that I will take in the name of Love, but don't tell me that I'm not trying. Or even worse, that I am trying to push you away, when all I do is get my ass kicked for wanting to be with you. So I said "Well, hold on a second. I'm not trying to push you away. If you meant "I" then say "I", but don't say "we" cause "we" aren't trying to."
Her: So you're blaming on me again?
Me: No... I even said "if" you meant "I". I'm just not gunna be blame for "trying" to push you away.
Her: So it's all my fault.
Me: You know what... I can't even tell you what I really think is going on. I think you're scared. That's why you have to put up this wall to protect yourself. You realize that damn wall is the reason that every little thing I say that you don't like is taken as offensive?
Her: Why don't you just bring up the stuff about Tom and Josh then?? I said that to hurt you didn't I?
Me: Yeah you did and it did hurt my feelings.
Her: Well you know damn well I'm not just some bitch that means to hurt you.
Now, sometimes, even when I know damn well I shouldn't, I can't help but be a smart ass. I have never really been a smart ass with her, which is why I don't get being called insensitive, or inconsiderate or whatever because if I wanted to be a dick I really could. I mean I'm a LEO in a shitty part of a shitty city. If this woman knew what I was really capable of she would be as amazed as I am that I have been damn near perfect with her.
Me: Well... does it matter? If you kill someone on accident, aren't you still a murderer?
Her: I just became you...
Me: No. Fuck that. I just became you.
Her: ::sad face:: I'm going ::closes Skype::
Of course I felt like shit. I actually care about this girl. I know that I didn't do anything terribly wrong (to be honest, if anyone reads this stupid as bitch session I call a blog, they are probably stoked I just gave her a dose of her own medicine). I am not stoked. I did hurt her. I did not know it would hurt her, but I did know it would give her something to think about. It would make her think about how she treats/treated me and that she judges my by impossible standards that if I judged her by we would be fighting every second of everyday. I felt like shit even more. I call her. One ring, then straight to voicemail both times. She's actively ignoring my calls. Shit. I get a text that says "I'll call you in a minute Jake...". I stare at my computer for probably 10 minutes thinking shes just forgotten me. She calls and I can tell shes upset.
Me: Look babe, I didn't mean to hurt you when I said that. My point is this; anyone in a relationship is gunna hurt or be hurt by the other person at some point. It's inevitable. You say stuff that hurts me sometimes but I just suck it up and deal with it or just let it go cause I know that you didn't do it on purpose and you didn't mean anything by it.
Her: I'm just not the right girl for you... I'll never be good enough for you.
I sorta feel like we're just playing pick an excuse or cliche line and go with it at this point. I don't get it... I spend 90% of the time I'm talking to this girl telling her how much I love her and how much I want to be with her. I send her flowers, I sing to her, I fly to see her, I text/call her constantly, I bought her a damn engagement ring! I am with this girl because I love her and I want to be with her. Believe it or not, I do believe we belong together. I just don't get why shes putting up a wall. I don't get why she thinks she needs to protect herself from me. I will mess up, I have been honest with her about that. I am not perfect and I can never be perfect. No matter how hard I try I WILL fuck up.
I know I bitch about this girl all the time on here but she is an absolutely amazing girl and I am completely in love with her. I care about her like I have never cared about anyone else. It's so obvious that the very first time we hung out around her parents they both commented on it to her later. This blog is just here for when I need it cause I don't feel like I can tell anyone else. Isn't that crazy? I don't want to tell anyone anything bad about her because I care about her so much I want everyone to like her and treat her well. Hell, I'm even telling people who may or may not be reading my blog that shes great. Totally random people that will never meet either of us and I'm telling you how amazing she is even though I could just completely flay her here and it wouldn't make any difference in the world. I just wished she really knew how much I love her. I feel like if she really knew that everything would be different. I feel like I would catch a freaking break instead of always getting hammered on stupid shit. The funny thing is that I know she is capable of doing it because she always complains when we get into these stupid fights too. I just have to hang in there. She will know one day. | | |
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